“How can I even get him to talk to me?”
“How do I make him see I’m not like the rest and I like him genuinely not because he’s popular but because he’s witty and funny and not an attention seeker? How can I even get him to talk to me?”
Dear Questioner,Genuine RelationshipsPeople are who they are, and are where they’re at. Just be your engaging self. Talk to him when you earnestly feel inclined to do so, when you want to share something. Or when you are curious about anything, inquire. We have so many ways of connecting today, the possibilities and expressions are so varied. The more you sincerely connect, the more that will reveal if he has any interest in you. Building a relationship is like tending a garden, it takes time, Caring, Sharing and Timing. Relationships involve two people who are both interested enough in each other to sustain it.Self-ValueUsually in this kind of situation, there is a subtle and non-conscious belief that somehow we are not on the same level or same ‘league” as the person we like. Good people who are humble and modest tend to significantly undervalue themselves. But, valuing ourselves does not mean we are arrogant or egotistical. Not at all. What it simply means is that we are honest about ourselves. If we do not value ourselves, if we do not enjoy ourselves, if we are not comfortable with ourselves, is that not dishonest? As good people, who are honest and who act with Integrity in all things, how can we not apply this same Integrity to ourselves?Interpersonal IntegrityOnce we realise that we have not been applying our Integrity equally, all we can do is change, and treat ourselves with accuracy and honesty. This means that we now see ourselves as good, enjoyable, valuable. At least to us, if no-one else. The most important aspect of all this is that we are self-sufficient when it comes to joy and happiness. We can be happy with ourselves. This is the most critical aspect of friendships and especially relationships. If we are not happy and comfortable with ourselves, and we know ourselves best, then how can we expect others to be happy and comfortable with us?
Unhooking From the Comparative MindsetWhen you look at your interactions and your relationship with this person from these angles, it all changes. (Even if we don’t interact with someone there is a relationship.) Gone are any kind of relative comparisons and differences. You are you, and he is him. No better or worse. He is not some alien species, just a person, as are you. No difference. Once you see yourself as a person worthy of being a person, just as all others have the potential to be, it will change your Perspective not only of yourself, but of how you relate to others, and them to you. You will realise that people love happy comfortable together people, who also like themselves. One can be happy being serious, or quiet, or crazy, or whatever. Many ways to be happy. The key is to be happy in your particular way. And this means being honest about yourself, and honestly accepting and liking yourself. And honestly dealing with those aspects you don’t like. It’s an ongoing process, never seems complete, and with this too we need to be happy and comfortable.Relaxed Self-AcceptanceIn the end, these simple Shifts-of-Perspective will translate into a self-confidence and self-comfort that is exceedingly attractive. After that, matters are in the hands of fate. If it is to be, it will be. If he has any sense at all he will be interested in being friends with a genuinely real person. Actually authentic honest people, content within themselves, are a treasure. And really, all that’s required, is Trust in yourself, Trust in your goodness, Trust in your Honesty, and Trust in your Integrity. If you are real in your being, realness will follow.Biella
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Ask Biella is a Gateway Gazette Feature Column provided by a Contemporary Philosopher and Writer. The purpose and intent of this feature is to provide readers with an opportunity to ask a wide variety of life-based questions. Think “Dear Abby,” but with more emphasis on life than just relationships.
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Biella is an amalgam of two Beings – Contemporary Philosophers and Writers, who exercises glorious intellectual minds which are most admirable for their profundity and sharpness. Often offering multiple sides of an issue, and provoking self-introspection. Their aim is to uncover Appropriateness, Awareness, Attention, Application, Attunement, and more, with a unique, high-level understanding of the profound intricacies that interlace these concepts.